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15 effortless ways to a miserable marriage

Want to blow that original spark in your marriage into a destructive fiery blaze of utter darkness and burn it to the nub?
  • Relationships can be so confusing! Who has time to read all the literature or actually listen in when they discuss the holy union of two people?

    Want to blow that original spark in your marriage into a destructive fiery blaze of utter darkness and burn it to the nub?

    Here are a few efficient and systematic principles that are easier to follow than the grocery list your wife handed to you last week. (What is a cardamom pod anyway?)

  • 1. Stop communicating

    I don’t care what Dr. “Fill” says. Keep your conversations neutral. Talk about the weather or the kids, or that son-in-law that can’t do anything right. Avoid emotional subjects or intellectual stimulation. What do you think your marriage is? A mensa meeting?

  • 2. Use sarcasm liberally

    There is always something you can make light of in the name of “just being funny.” Nothing draws people together like a little mockery or ridicule. Emotional connections are made through intimacy, and sarcasm kills intimacy like no other. So go for it!

  • 3. Be apathetic

    Don’t make an emotional commitment one way or the other. Sit around. In 10 years, who will know that you’ve been tossing the trash over the fence into the neighbor’s dog run? (Emotionally speaking.)

  • 4. Show your irritation

    Don’t hold back. After all, you are only being honest.

  • 5. Spend hours on social media

    When that joke from an old school friend posts about how silly women are or how men can’t follow directions, “like” it and re-post it to your page. It’s about time your spouse learned not to be so sensitive.

  • 6. Make fun of your spouse’s friends, especially that one who is needy

    Be subtile. When she gets a call, be a bit frosty to the person on the other line. Then make a face when you hand the phone over to your spouse. Your partner needs to know when you do not approve of her friends.

  • 7. Ignore the other’s family

    While you are minimizing her friendships, go ahead and throw this in there too.

  • 8. Consistently bring up old arguments

    When you realize you don’t have a leg to stand on in a discussion, revert to that old stand-by — how last year he was wrong about the family vacation, or how that car turned out to be the worst lemon you have ever bought. Consistency is the key.

  • 9. It is really important that you are right about everything

    So be sure to make it a point to be.

  • 10. Make sure you say something several times

    If she doesn’t agree, she must not be listening. And cut her off when she is talking. After all, you already know what she is going to say, so speed this thing along — there is TV to watch.

  • 11. Insist that the other should change

    And remind them of their faults several times a week. How else are they going to know what they need to do to fix your marriage?

  • 12. Always talk about that wonderful you

    Don’t spend too much time talking about others. It is best to keep the topic on you, how you feel about the issue, what you would have done better if only they had listened to you.

  • 13. Don’t be trustworthy

    It isn’t a huge issue if you tell her you will be there to pick her up at a certain time and then show up late. She has a phone, so she can call her mother or play Farmtown-ville. You are not a taxi.

  • 14. Spend wantonly without consulting your spouse

    Your job is hard and you deserve to spend the money as you wish. He can follow the budget. You have worn the same pair of shoes to church for a month. You deserve them. He can just cut back on his insulin.

  • 15. Above all, never take responsibility for yourself, your actions or what you say

    She should have known that you didn’t mean it when you compared her to a minivan.

    Follow these instructions to a better relationship and your marriage could last up to several months — tops.

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