The Messenger of Allah Muhammad [Peace be upon him] is reported to have said:
” If one gives charity it does not diminish his wealth; if one forgives others, Allah bestows more honour on him; and if one humbles himself for Allah’s sake, Allah exalts him higher.” (Hadith-Muslim)
by Ustadha Hosai Mojaddidi
The man you claim to “love” and are eagerly waiting on the sidelines for in the hopes that he’ll see you, is keeping you in the periphery for a reason. He knows perfectly well that he can go on enjoying his game on the field and you’ll still be standing there waiting around when everyone else goes home. You see, he loves the attention you give him. He relishes every minute of it. He loves the power he has over you. He loves that you are so eager to please him. Come rain or shine, he knows that you’ll always be standing there, eagerly waiting for him to just give you a glance…and no matter how difficult the game is he’s playing, unlike everything else he’s got going on, he knows you’re a sure shot. You may be the only guarantee he has in life, which is why his grasp on you is so tight.
He may say all the right things, he may go out of his way to make you feel EXTRA special. Maybe he has a nickname for you and “only” you. He has you convinced that YOU are an exception above all other women, even his wife, which is why he can’t stay away from you. If he’s really good, he’ll periodically pull the “I’m feeling guilty” card and disappear for a while. Then, in poetic fashion, he’ll reappear and tell you how “impossible” it was to forget you, how he thought of you every day and just needed to see you again!
Sounds so amazing doesn’t it? After all, what woman doesn’t want to believe that she’s irresistible? What woman doesn’t want a man to make her feel that she has a special power, above all other women in his life, to make him weak?
He’s figured out that by sticking to this solid script he can manipulate you to do pretty much anything he wants you to and believe anything he tells you.
Now, I know it’s hard for you to hear these things about the man you “love”. After all, he’s so sweet and such a good man otherwise. He has a good heart, he may even go to the masjid, help raise funds for charitable causes, and be an all-around “good guy”. How can such a man be capable of intentionally manipulating you? He’s not evil! He loves you…you know it, you feel it…he just can’t be with you because his life is so difficult. He’s sacrificing his own happiness (which is being with you) because of his family, his children, his parents…you feel so sorry for him but it makes you love him even more that he’s so noble…
Hold up…let’s rewind for just a second.
No one is saying that he’s evil. Being a man who is caught up in this toxic situation and one who is otherwise a relatively “good Muslim” are not mutually exclusive. Throughout history, even in the time of the Prophet (peace be upon him), men (and women) have fallen into this dangerous trap of shaitan. So, no one is denying that he has virtues. He is caught up in the addictive cycle the same as you are, just for different reasons. But that’s a whole other topic all together. We’re focusing on you right now.
Now, I want you to indulge me for just a moment and consider the possibility that what you perceive as “love” for this person is not as pretty and romantic as you think but it’s actually something else, something that is actively harming you. How many nights have you cried yourself to sleep because of the loneliness, the feelings of neglect? How many times have you beaten yourself up wondering why he’s not with you or why he didn’t choose YOU as his wife? How many times have you felt sick to your stomach over the guilt? Is that what you imagined you’d feel when you met “the one”? Or did you imagine someone who RECIPROCATED your feelings, and not just by word, but by action?
Didn’t you imagine that when you found the person you were created for that he would be loyal to you, be there for you when you needed him, take care of you when you were sick, honor your friends and family, wipe away your tears when you were down, and be proud to walk side by side with you, just as you were proud to do so with him? If you did, then you were right. That is how a man and woman who are in love behave with one another.
I’m certain you didn’t imagine that being in love meant that you would be hidden, like someone’s shameful secret. Unfortunately, despite the intensity and authenticity of your feelings for him, despite the fact that you already have and would probably continue sacrificing yourself, your principles, your reputation, your family’s honor, your spiritual health, etc., for him, he is not willing to do what it takes to be with you.
That would take honesty on his part. It would take for him to sacrifice many things that are part of the life he’s created…but he’s not willing to do that, which is why his promises to you will most likely NEVER be fulfilled. He is not willing to lose it all for you…if he was, he’d already have done it and wouldn’t be stringing you along as he has been.
Trust me when I say that a man in love will move mountains to be with the woman he loves. A man in lust, a man addicted to the attention his ego gets from such relationships, a man who cannot control his desires, will NOT. He will just continue to fulfill his desires. He will keep the addiction going as long as the supply is there and he can continue getting whatever he wants out of it. The moment his needs are no longer being met he will disappear completely. What does that mean for you? It means that the moment you stop giving in to him, the moment you stop showing up at the games, the moment he no longer sees you on the sidelines, he will dispose of you without a second thought…and unless he gets help, he’ll move on to his next conquest.
So, please my dear sister, do not be someone who lets ANYONE treat you like you are disposable. Do you realize who you are? I know this relationship has probably worn down your self-image and self-worth, but let me remind you that you have been honored by Allah (swt) to not only be a Muslim, but to be in the ummah of the Best of Creations (peace be upon him). Much of the Prophets life mission, even up until his last moments on earth, were to fight for YOUR rights as a woman, to be honored, to be cherished, to be loved, to be respected. You deserve better than this. You were not created to be used by someone and have your rights and honor stripped from you in the process. Would he ever allow someone to do this to his sister, to his daughter? Of course not! So what gives him the right to do it to you? It’s because what you risk losing is not as important as what he risks gaining from you. He does not care that you are in a state of perpetual heartache, that you cry when you are not with him, or that you have possibly missed out on so much of your life being caught up in this vicious cycle.
Please get out and seek help. There are professionals who can help you, people who will never judge you or ever expose you. They will do whatever they can to guide you out of this, inshAllah. You just have to believe that with Allah (swt) anything is possible. If you are sincere, in the blink of an eye, he can remove these feelings from your heart and set you free. Return to Him. He loves you, He loves your tears of repentance more than you can ever know. I promise you, if you surrender to Him, you can and will overcome this inshAllah. You just have to value yourself as much as He (azza wajal) has valued you and take the first step.
Allah (swt) said: “I am as My servant thinks I am. I am with him when he makes mention of Me. If he makes mention of Me to himself, I make mention of him to Myself. And if he makes mention of Me in an assembly, I make mention of him in an assembly better than it. And if he draws near to Me a hand’s span, I draw near to him an arm’s length. And if he draws near to Me an arm’s length, I draw near to him a fathom’s length. And if he comes to Me walking, I go to him at speed.” (Hadist Qudsi: Bukhari, Muslim, Tirmidhi, Ibn Majah)
By Abu Muhammad Yusuf
The journey of life often encompasses difficulties, challenges, trials and tribulations. With the right frame of mind and positive attitude we can come out of each “dark tunnel” better, stronger and wiser.
We have a choice on how we respond to life’s “storms.” Either we can cast blame while becoming resentful and bitter or we can be positive and turn to Allah Ta’ala and exercise patience. Every hurdle we face in life has a meaning and Allah Ta’ala will not expose us to a burden we cannot endure. “Allah does not burden a soul beyond that it can bear…” (Qur’an: 2:286).
“Great reward comes with great trials. When Allah loves a people, He tests them, and whoever accepts it attains His pleasure, whereas whoever shows discontent with it incurs His wrath.” (Hadith- Tirmidhi)
“…….If anything befalls you, do not say ‘If only I had done (such and such), the such and such would have happened,’ rather say: ‘Allah has decreed and what He wills He does , for (saying) ‘if only’ opens the door to the work of the shaytaan(devil).”(Hadith-Muslim ).
As part of our Imaan (faith), we believe that all matters are in the hands of Allah Ta’ala. However, our Imaan can get shaken during times of trials and hardships. It is during such times though that we should remind ourselves that a believer’s position and rank is raised in front of Allah and that such a hardship may very well be a sign of Allah’s love for the believer. This can help us in maintaining and even strengthening our faith.
Once a boy found a cocoon of a butterfly and took it home. One day a small opening appeared, he sat and watched the butterfly for several hours as it struggled to force its body through that little hole.
Then it seemed to stop making any progress. It appeared as if it had gotten as far as it could and it could go no farther. Then the boy decided to help the butterfly, so he took a pair of scissors and snipped off the remaining bit of the cocoon. The butterfly then emerged easily.
But it had a swollen body and small, shriveled wings. The boy continued to watch the butterfly because he expected that, at any moment, the wings would enlarge and expand to be able to support the body, which would contract in time.
In fact, the butterfly spent the rest of its life crawling around with a swollen body and shriveled wings. It never was able to fly.
What the boy in his kindness and haste did not understand was that the restricting cocoon and the struggle required for the butterfly to get through the tiny opening were Allah Ta’ala’s way of forcing fluid from the body of the butterfly into its wings so that it would be ready for flight once it achieved its freedom from the cocoon.
Sometimes struggles are exactly what we need in our life. If Allah allowed us to go through our life without any obstacles, it would sometimes cripple us. We would not be as strong as what we could have been and possibly never be able to “fly”.
Sometimes we need heat and warmth to ripen fruit and sometimes cold is needed in certain fruit to complete the ripening process. So exactly is the same in life sometimes we may have to undergo various conditions that may appear to be unfavourable so that we “ripen” and are ready for the onward journey.
I wise person once said: “ I asked for Strength…And Allah gave me Difficulties to make me strong. I asked for Wisdom…And Allah gave me Problems to solve. I asked for Prosperity…And Allah gave me Brain and Brawn to work. I asked for Courage…And Allah gave me Danger to overcome. I asked for Love…And Allah gave me Underprivileged people to help. I asked for Favours…And Allah gave me Opportunities. I received nothing I wanted …Yet I received everything I needed!”
Accepting and enduring our condition and the Divine Decree of Allah Ta’ala can help us in not only shedding burdens of the past but to also win Allah’s pleasure. Suppressing our urge to blame others for the pains that we encounter by maintaining a positive mindset can help us maintain a less stressful life and promote healthy relationships.
“Nothing befalls a believer, a (prick of a) thorn or more than that, but Allah will raise him one degree in status thereby, or erase a bad deed.” (Hadith-Bukhaari )
Hardships and trials are part of everyone’s life. The important thing is for us to have the right attitude of trusting Allah and His plans when facing such hardships and trials. During such trying times, always remember that nothing happens without the Will of Allah. Second, we may not know that our trials and hardships may be part of a bigger plan of which we may have only limited knowledge. It’s only at a later stage when the bigger Plans of Allah reveal themselves to everyone. We can see an example of this from the following verse of Qur’an-Surah Yousuf that when the step brothers of Prophet Yousuf (peace be upon him) were taking him to throw him into a dark well, Allah revealed to Prophet Yousuf (AS) that,”Allah will bring about, after hardship, ease.” (Qur’an, 65:7) and this is exactly what happened.
Allah also reminds us:“…and it may be that you dislike a thing which is good for you and that you like a thing which is bad for you. Allah knows but you do not know.” (Qur’an-Surah Baqarah: 216)
“There is a blessing in calamity that the wise man should not ignore, for it erases sins, gives one the opportunity to attain the reward for patience, dispels negligence, reminds one of blessings at the time of health, calls one to repent and encourages one to give charity and endure.”
Life is a learning curve and the challenges are there to make us stronger and to condition us and build us emotionally, spiritually and physically for the greater challenges that we will encounter tomorrow. Outwardly circumstances may be perceived as hardships but in reality they may really be blessings in disguise!
Truth About Attention Deficit and Hyperactive Disorder Campaigns
Money is a great motivator of psychiatric research. Over forty years ago a mammoth drug company claimed that if a drug could create an effect then obviously it could be sold as a valid treatment. With methylphenidate known as Ritalin they created a “solution” and went about proving that any child could be calmed down and forced to concentrate by taking it. Plausible enough, but how were they selling this idea?
School children who are unable to focus their full attention on the lesson or sit quietly can now be hauled out of class for a psychiatric evaluation. The much bandied about condition veiled as “minimal brain dysfunction” covers a variety of learning and behavioural disorders that affect both children as well as adults. There are many causes and with young children there is a plausible explanation. The young immature brain needs time to become fully trained and organised. It requires guidance, encouragement and discipline to channel the development of thought and concentration processes.
Boring lessons and topics that don’t interest the child are not going to help either! I once caused an outcry for one of my articles mentioning that a hyperactive child is merely reflecting a combination of bad parents and bad teachers! I was questioning the current belief system that approved of giving young children drugs but refusing to dish out a measure of discipline – especially on the behind; the seat of understanding. Back in our day we ate well and got spanked when we were naughty. We did not have ADD dilemmas at school. Neither did our friends become drug addicts. They did not die from the side effects of drugs they were forced by their teacher to take to attend a normal school.
Not all children suffer from ADD and ADHD. Ethiopian scholars are different.
Children we saw in Ethiopia were keen to go to school. They flocked around tourists eagerly showing us their school books and beautiful handwriting. They asked us for pens. Evidently they have to bring their own pens. To own a pen is very important because otherwise they cannot write in their books. We soon ran out of pens but hey never ran out of smiles and never gave up asking for them. They did not beg for money or sweets. Only pens. Sometimes older children would come and chat to us. They wanted to practise speaking English.
When we came home, there were e-mail letters from some of the children. Such enthusiasm and appreciation for being in a classroom is a far cry from the way we live in a modern, affluent world where things are taken for granted. We do not have to beg for pens. Do you really think the Ethiopian school children need to take drugs? As it is their school day is divided into an early morning and a late afternoon session to accommodate all the scholars. They walk long distances to school every day and spend a lot of time on their homework – providing they have a pen. An example like this puts us all to shame.
Muscular co-ordination develops at different rates as does confidence and the ability to pursue a single train of thought. No all children learn to walk or talk at the same time and not all of them have a high IQ. We all know that children have a lot of energy and sometimes a physical outburst (hyperkinetic) will occur from time to time. Not all lessons are well presented or even interesting to a growing, curious little person.
How do children relate to the subject, how is it presented?
Some children do get bored easily as do most adults. But in a class of children who need to be taught the same thing at the same time they all have to shut up, sit still and focus on the lesson. No effort is required if you can drug the kids. Frequent but regular quick pit stops to drink water, stretch, grab a nutritious snack or jump around are unheard of. Naughty, restless and bored children are controlled with drugs instead of proper discipline, tough love and authority. The kids pop schedule 7 amphetamines that are more dangerous than cocaine instead.
Drugs like Ritalin can be dangerous.
569 children were hospitalized between 1990 – 2000 due to complications with Ritalin. 186 of them died. Drugs like Ritalin do not correct biochemical imbalances of the brain. The effect is the same as any psycho-stimulant. It produces a rush of chemicals to stimulate brain activity, regardless of low blood sugar or problems with blood circulation. After the first rush wears off, withdrawal sets in. The child may experience dullness, depression, a loss of appetite, a dry mouth and fatigue. (Is this why they calm down?) Children are being controlled by dangerous amphetamines and tranquilizers. Is this food for a developing brain?
“You can’t teach a hungry child.” Neither can you really teach a child suffering from allergies, toxins or brain damage when they are taking drugs. You may be able to calm them down for a while. Most children on Ritalin complain that it makes them feel funny. They crave sweets, chips and fizzy drinks but do not want to eat a nutritious meal in the evening. The brain needs a constant supply of fuel and oxygen. Water is essential to brain and nerve function. Do children drink water in the classroom? Water is important for nerve and brain activity and drugs tend to cause dehydration.
First read the fine print of the package insert before giving any drug.
Side effects or excessive doses of amphetamines like Ritalin include: agitation, confusion, delirium, seizures, dry mouth, a false sense of euphoria (an upper), sweating, irregular heartbeat or palpitations, increased blood pressure, trembling and muscle twitching. Watch out! You may be giving your child a drug that is making the problem worse. Not all cases are the same but drugs are drugs. Some children develop an addiction to Ritalin and other drugs.
Ritalin can adversely affect the child’s appetite and cause stunted growth. It can make them feel dull, sometimes dizzy and not their usual selves. Some children suffer more from bad dreams, become neurotic, wet beds and do not sleep well. The worst problem is when children don’t want to take these medications because it makes them feel awful. Do we listen to them? Why was the mother of a four-year old child suffering from allergies, adverse reactions to vaccines and malnutrition told to add Ritalin to the regimen of antibiotics and cortisone? In the first place, Ritalin should not be given to any child below the age of six years. Read the insert.
At high school a girl gave some of her Ritalin pills to her boyfriend, hoping that it would help him to study for the exams. But he showed the bottle to his father and when they found out what happens to long-term users of the drug, they threw them away. But his girlfriend continued to take Ritalin and after she graduated she found that could not do without them. Drug dependence had set in and she became a cocaine addict. Her future career went down the drain. Her boyfriend left her and the parents were heartbroken. They tried sending her to drug rehabilitation centres but they did not succeed. She committed suicide a few months later.
Do we as Adults Set a Good Example to our Children?
We are told that the average human attention span is now only a few minutes long. How many times do you actually stop and listen to a child and hear them out to the end of each sentence? Guilty! You also get distracted, interrupt people or go about your own work with people trailing behind you trying to get a word in edgeways. We as adults do not really listen to people, let alone look people in the eye and concentrate on what they are saying. But we are not rounded up and sent to the school psychologist. We are not singled with an attention deficit disorder, were we? But our children are.
We complain about brain fog, fatigue, depression and dullness. Our work may be boring, so we distract ourselves, tell jokes, chat to colleagues or browse through face book and the internet for entertainment. We still get paid. When we come home, we get complaints about our children behaving the same way at school! Unless their behaviour improves the school administrators feel they have the right to demand that we drug our children. In some cases the children are given drugs to take without the knowledge of their parents.
Any adult who takes Cocaine is arrested and locked up in jail for taking a less dangerous amphetamine known as cocaine. Ritalin is a schedule 7 drug. It is highly addictive and does not correct blood sugar imbalances, heavy metal toxicity, reactions to vaccines or deep-seated emotional problems.
The problem is that many of the children who once took Ritalin become drug addicts in later life when they are unable to act normally without some form of medication or drug. A drug addict is merely one who does not feel OK without taking some form of drug to keep up what feels normal. So we too, are drug addicts if we depend on taking pills a few times a day – regardless of them being prescribed by a doctor. But doctors who prescribe Ritalin to innocent young children should know better.
Good nutrition, therapy and sensible supplements
Ritalin is not a source of Omega 3 oils, vitamins, proteins or minerals. A naturopath with a good understanding of natural herbs and remedies can help you to set up a suitable diet and supplementation programme. Natural modalities like hypnosis or brain gym do help children to achieve excellent academic results and they do no harm. Both hemispheres of the brain need to be well-developed and connected. Over time steady progress can be achieved. Vitamins, minerals, enzymes, homeopathy, herbal remedies and particularly the Bach flower tinctures can give the fine tuning needed on an individual basis for each child.
Most children are addicted to carbohydrates and this is often because they are allergic to wheat. According to some leading research a wheat or gluten sensitivity is responsible for over 90% of the cases of bed wetting. Food sensitivities and excessive sugar consumption interfere with normal brain function. So do adverse reactions to vaccines, parasites, environmental toxins and mercury poisoning. Children with a disturbed immune system suffer more from constant colds, mucous problems, asthma or blocked ears. These factors also affect their behaviour and impair their ability to concentrate.
A good diet based on regular amounts of protein and fresh wholesome food is essential for a growing child’s brain. The ZONE diet by Barry Sears is a good place to start. Copious amounts of cod liver oil or other sources of omega 3 oil are proving to work very well to improve overall brain function. An understanding of the blood type diet helps one to see how different groups of people behave when it comes to diet and body chemistry. What you eat affects how you behave!
Get to the cause of the problem and treat it
The worst thing you can do is ignore the cause of your child’s so-called ADD or ADHD problems. You cannot send a little drug addict to school on an empty stomach with money to buy sweets and a fizzy drinks for lunch and expect miracles. Many of them suffer from a dry mouth as a side effect of the medications they are given and do not have a good appetite. It is more beneficial for the family to consciously engage in healthy eating habits with regular exercise and activities that improve the mental and physical wellbeing of all concerned. At the same time work with a therapist who is sympathetic to your appeal not to drug your children.
In some cases an iodine deficiency may be the problem. Children born to mothers who are iodine deficient are more prone to mental disorders, especially the inability to concentrate. A drop or two of iodine can improve the behaviour and concentration of small children when it is added to their morning fruit juice. So why would you want to give an iodine deficient child a drug instead? There is no reason to treat any symptom of a health-related problem with Ritalin.
Pehaps drug dependence is a symptom of our time. We are just too lazy to really fix anything these days. One day follows another and we all take pills and drugs to alleviate annoying symptoms of underlying health issues, so why not give them to our children as well? Only you can answer that!