By LAURA DOYLE
Moving on, I want to address a topic that is so critical to a happy and healthy marriage that I think it deserves an entire blog entry.
Laura went on to describe to us 10 controlling habits we must avoid in order to be “surrendered wives.”Most of them are probably actions we do everyday, so don’t be shocked by some of them.
1. Offer him unsolicited “helpful” suggestions to solve a problem.
By doing so you are directly implying that he can’t do it himself. Men are built as problem-solvers so let him fulfill that role, especially in the realm of the family.
Instead, express that you feel that he is competent.Your confidence in him will give him the ideas he needs to solve whatever problem is in front of him. He needs to feel that he has your trust…ONLY then can he feel that he can solve his problem.
2. Speak on his behalf.
For example: if you are standing with a group of people, don’t answer questions out loud that are directed at him.
Especially in public. You are cancelling his existence out, making him feel worthless.
3. Make decisions for him.
That is, don’t make them independent of him. Don’t cancel out his role in the family. Men are made to make decisions, without that task they will feel useless.
4. Give him “the look.”
Like when you roll your eyes at him when you feel he has made a bad decision. It is still controlling because it shows your disapproval.
5. Make leading questions.
For example: “You’re wearing that?” You’re obviously still displaying your disapproval of his decision. He already stood in the closet, looked at all his options, and decided to wear that…so just be accepting instead of belittling a decision he already made. Don’t make him feel like he is a child who can’t make decisions for himself.
6. Say: “We need to go to counseling.”
This makes him feel like he is bad, or something is wrong with him.
7. Tell him how you would do something.
For example: “I would get my oil changed,” or “I would put the screw in that way.” No two people will ever do the same task in the same exact way at the same exact time. That applies to spouses as well. So just let him do things his way…who knows maybe you overlooked something he didn’t; making him the better person for the job.
8. Criticize him.
It won’t help him or effectively change the behavior you disapprove of.
He will feel deflated and embarrassed, especially if it is in public. Next time you are out with another couple and you notice a wife critisizing her husband, just look at his face after she makes her comment. I can assure you it won’t be a happy one.
9. Make demands.
You are not his servant, and he is not yours. Treat each other with respect by nicely asking for what you want. Say, “Do you mind taking out the trash today please?” Instead of, “Take out the trash.”
10. Undo or redo something he has done.
How many of us have reloaded the dishwasher after our husbands have done it. It will make him feel like he never wants to do it again because your basically saying, “The way you did it wasn’t good enough.” At least wait until he isn’t in the room to see you do it!
Try this: Go on a “no control date” with your husband.
This means that he must make all the decisions. To set this up, request from him (don’t demand) that as part of making yourself a better wife you have to learn about trust and that you would like him to help you do that by taking you out for an evening on a date.
On this date he will literally be in charge of EVERYTHING. He must decide where to go, when to go, what activities it will involve, driving you there, paying, etc. Tell him that you do not need to know the plans in advance and that he should just surprise you.
Your job is to just let things happen, relax, and practice trusting that he will take care of everything. I mean everything ladies, that means no telling him when, where, or how.
Take note of how you felt after, did you start controlling at any point? How did he respond when you asked him to do this? Was it hard not to control anything?
….Where Practice Makes Perfect