Whilst our society generally places all, if not most blame, squarely on the husband when it comes to a breakdown of a marriage, the stark reality is that many a times the wife is equally guilty or even far more guiltier than her husband. The perception of society needs to be adjusted in this regard. It will be beneficial to keep in mind that in any conflict situation, wether marriage or war, the first casualty is generally always the truth. This is the reason many an Aalim and Social Worker maintain that there are always three sides to every story: his, hers and the truth!
Instead of playing the blame game, the sad truth is that many a parent has failed to make the proper tarbiyah (character development) of their children. They have failed to train their sons and daughter as to the realities of married life, the ups and downs of life. Many a naive daughter who then goes on to be a wife, understands marriage through a fantasy rose spectacled world of Mills & Boons, Hollywood, Bollywood and those romantic movies that paint a fairy tale and unrealistic ‘picture’ of practical married life, devoid of life’s challenges. So the naive Princess goes into a marriage with superficial and unreasonable expectations that are totally unrealistic in day to day life. The same applies to a son.
When the harsh realities of life are experienced, when the couple have differences of opinion and difficult decisions to make – all of which are part of everyday life, instead of dealing with the issues, the SOS is made to parents to cart the Princess back home far from her now ‘uncharming’ Prince. In such a situation, parents more often do untold harm and irreparable damage by way of character assassination, backbiting and slander to the marriage, instead of dealing maturely with issues and resolving differences with dignity and decorum.
Dirty linen, slander and inflamed emotions are plastered all over social media to vent a one sided story, thereby escalating a small problem into a ‘world war’. The immaturity of parents very often becomes so stark that it overshadows their immature daughter as well. Instead of acknowledging their Princesse’s flaws due to their own inadequacy and lack of marital preparation from childhood, the tirade and character assassination begins. Battle lines are drawn not only by the parents and spouses, but even by the extended families!
Tragically, Children born of a broken marriage bear the greatest brunt of such actions. Any reasonable attempt at reconciliation is dismissed without the slightest foresight. Sadly, the secular mindset which has become the norm of our society has become the hallmark of our Muslim marriages. As Muslims, we need to draw a balance and be governed by fairness, justice and the truth – however unpalatable it may be to us. It is high time that we relook at the whole equation and realise that every Prince charming also requires a gracious Princess charming who is an embodiment of Sayyidatina Fatimatus Zahra RA and also emulates her noble habits of hayaa, modesty, virtues, truthfulness, service to her husband, loyalty, chastity, tolerance, forbearance, dedication, perseverance, gentleness, respect, dignity and decorum among so many of her other great and noble qualities. Society needs to revisit this whole equation, stop the blame game, and stop always blaming the sometimes very often innocent husband.
Remember, It takes TWO patient, tolerant, mature, reasonable, accommodating, forgiving, realistic, enduring, caring, pious, gracious and loving individuals to form a bond of marriage which can then practically translate into a bliss of Heaven on Earth!