“Team work makes dream work’’ Series 2 – Chapter 1

Disclaimer: The stories in our articles are not factual. Their themes however, are based on real life challenges.

This series is aimed at the married males in our community. As with series one, using real life stories, we will attempt to tread over some challenging marital minefields. InshaAllah, we look towards resolutions and not explosions!

In series 1, which was aimed at the married females, we looked at, the perfection of our Deen, the perfect marriage system that Allah has created for us to enjoy with dignity and that spouses are meant to complement one another. However, since humans are imperfect and our level of Taqwa is rather diluted in comparison to the Sahaba Radiyallahu Anhum, there is bound to be some misunderstanding, miscommunicating and other such “misses” through the spousal relationship. When these happen, perhaps we may use it as a reminder of the fact that the Sifat (Quality) of Perfection belongs to Allah alone and we certainly cannot expect humans to be flawless.

We also looked at some useful skills to apply to mitigate the marital challenges and where necessary, the permissibility of some tough decisions.

In this Chapter, we promised to help the males understand how to humbly carry their position as the Ameer (leader) of the family. Let’s begin:

One sunny summer’s day, into our offices stormed a husband in crisis. Smouldering Saleem expressed that he had had just about enough from his wife. She had physically lashed out at him over what seemed to him like a small issue. Within consult, we were advised by the husband that “we must immediately fix his wife or else!” With that rather stern warning in tow, we managed to contain his smouldering and advised him diplomatically that whilst our centre does not offer overnight express miracles, we most certainly may assist them both over time with their challenges. Sounds a bit funny at this point, but as you would guess, it was not at all so in that hour.

Within the session we came to understand that in their relationship, as Ameer of the family, Smouldering Suleman took on his responsibility of steering their ship a bit too strongly…with some sharp yanking at the helm! He took most decisions without mashwera (consulting/discussion) with his wife and expected that things go as he had planned most of the time because he was of course the captain.

Let’s pause for a moment…If this description sounds a bit like you, then I’ll ask you to step into your wife’s world for a bit. Always receiving instruction, no opinions are accepted, let alone understood, constantly having to follow the husband’s lead…suddenly feels a bit hot under the collar, doesn’t it? Back to reality, know that your strength and capability to navigate turbulent seas is MashaAllah, strapping. However, even a captain has a first officer who he consults with regarding an alternative perspective. Hearing your wife’s point of view is useful and does NOT diminish your authority. It elevates your status in her eyes and heart.

Remember how Nabi Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam asked his wife Umme Salamah Radiyallahu Anha for advice when the Sahaba Radiyallahu Anhum felt sad and didn’t remove their Ihraam after being unable to perform Umrah due to being prevented from the Kuffar of Makkah. Our beloved Nabi Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam took her advice and removed his Ihraam, and the Sahaba Radiyallahu Anhum followed suit.

Try it out sometimes... Ask your spouse her opinion on a subject and listen to her perspective. It does not mean that you must follow it, but it may amaze you how smart she is…if only you pause enough to ask and listen. It will do your relationship a whole lot of good if you engage in a mashwera (consulting) process with your spouse especially where the decisions concern her.

A gradual approach for the Ameer (Husband/Leader)to initiate a mashwera process:

1. At first it may feel like a daunting process. No, it does not mean you are giving away your title as Ameer. It means you are managing your position within the framework of Deen and ‘teamwork makes dream work’. Soon you will notice your relationship begin to improve.
2. Begin with a general topic, like the weather or world news. Once you feel comfortable with hearing her opinions about this, work your way inwards to more sensitive topics.
3. AVOID presenting your opinion when she is busy discussing hers. The point of this process is to listen to her without correcting/changing it.
4. Of course her opinion is going to be different from yours! If Allah has created every single fingerprint different, it’s the Same One Allah who has also created your mind and her mind to think differently.
5. We find that many males choose to engage in logical discussions rather than emotional ones. If this is your personality then this guideline may be useful for you. Repeat what it is that she has said. Another word for this is ‘validate’. This helps her feel understood. You may also add on words like “this sounds important to you” or “you saying that you like/dislike….”
6. Thank her for her perspective and time even if you won’t follow her suggestion that time.
7. Try as best as possible to consider her needs and appease her because one day the Ameer will stand accountable before his Creator.

Now, what to do with all that extra steering energy? We may redirect this muscle into healthier outlets. One of the skills we strongly recommend for our males is regular exercise/self defence etc. Exercise will help you manage the strength that you have otherwise been over-investing in your role. InshaAllah, in the next Chapter we will look at Danyal’s Dilemmas and how he worked on mitigating these.

Apa Aboobaker

social2@jamiat.org.za