Is it the right of the wife to be sexually gratified, or only the husband’s? Many times my husband will finish before me and tells me it is his right, but not mine. As a man I figured he would want to fulfill his wife’s desires as that is from rajoola, but he just brushes it off like he doesn’t care. It really takes away interest in having relations with a lazy lover.
(Question posted as received)
In the Name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful.
As-salāmu ‘alaykum wa-rahmatullāhi wa-barakātuh.
Intimacy and sexual gratification is a natural demand in adults, male and females alike. Sexual gratification/ Intimate relations is not the sole right of a husband. It is also the right of the wife.[i] When Rasulullah Sallallahu Alayhi Wasallam heard the complain of the wife of Abdullah ibn Amr radhiyallahu Anhu regarding her husband’s attitude towards their intimate life, Rasulullah Sallallahu Alayhi Wasallam called him and addressed him as follows.
عَنْ مُجَاهِدٍ، قَالَ قَالَ لِي عَبْدُ اللَّهِ بْنُ عَمْرٍو أَنْكَحَنِي أَبِي امْرَأَةً ذَاتَ حَسَبٍ فَكَانَ يَأْتِيهَا فَيَسْأَلُهَا عَنْ بَعْلِهَا، فَقَالَتْ نِعْمَ الرَّجُلُ مِنْ رَجُلٍ لَمْ يَطَأْ لَنَا فِرَاشًا وَلَمْ يُفَتِّشْ لَنَا كَنَفًا مُنْذُ أَتَيْنَاهُ . فَذَكَرَ ذَلِكَ لِلنَّبِيِّ صلى الله عليه وسلم فَقَالَ ” ائْتِنِي بِهِ ” . فَأَتَيْتُهُ مَعَهُ فَقَالَ ” كَيْفَ تَصُومُ ” . قُلْتُ كُلَّ يَوْمٍ . قَالَ ” صُمْ مِنْ كُلِّ جُمُعَةٍ ثَلاَثَةَ أَيَّامٍ ” . قُلْتُ إِنِّي أُطِيقُ أَفْضَلَ مِنْ ذَلِكَ . قَالَ ” صُمْ يَوْمَيْنِ وَأَفْطِرْ يَوْمًا ” . قَالَ إِنِّي أُطِيقُ أَفْضَلَ مِنْ ذَلِكَ . قَالَ ” صُمْ أَفْضَلَ الصِّيَامِ صِيَامَ دَاوُدَ عَلَيْهِ السَّلاَمُ صَوْمُ يَوْمٍ وَفِطْرُ يَوْمٍ (رواه البخاري:4765) ”
Translation: It was narrated that Muhajid said: “Abdullah bin ‘Amr said to me: My father got me married to a woman from a noble family, and he used to come to her and ask her about her husband. She said: What a wonderful man he is! He never comes to my bed. And he has never approached me since he married me. He mentioned that to the Prophet and he said: Bring him to me. So he brought him with him and (the Prophet) said: How do you fast? I said: “Every day.” He said: “Fast three days of every month.” I said: “I am able to do better than that.” He said: “Fast for two days and break your fast for one day.” He said; “I am able to do better than that”. He said: “Observe the best of fasts, the fast of Dawud, peace be upon him: Fasting for one day and breaking the fast for one day.” ‘Ata said: “someone who heard him told me that Ibn ‘Umar (said) that the Prophet said: ‘Whoever fasts every day of his life, then he has not fasted. )Bukhari: 4765)
In another variation of this same incident it is mentioned:
عَنْ عَبْدِ اللَّهِ بْنِ عَمْرٍو، قَالَ دَخَلَ عَلَىَّ رَسُولُ اللَّهِ صلى الله عليه وسلم فَقَالَ ” أَلَمْ أُخْبَرْ أَنَّكَ تَقُومُ اللَّيْلَ وَتَصُومُ النَّهَارَ ”. قُلْتُ بَلَى. قَالَ ” فَلاَ تَفْعَلْ، قُمْ وَنَمْ، وَصُمْ وَأَفْطِرْ، فَإِنَّ لِجَسَدِكَ عَلَيْكَ حَقًّا، وَإِنَّ لِعَيْنِكَ عَلَيْكَ حَقًّا، وَإِنَّ لِزَوْرِكَ عَلَيْكَ حَقًّا، وَإِنَّ لِزَوْجِكَ عَلَيْكَ حَقًّا، وَإِنَّكَ عَسَى أَنْ يَطُولَ بِكَ عُمُرٌ، وَإِنَّ مِنْ حَسْبِكَ أَنْ تَصُومَ مِنْ كُلِّ شَهْرٍ ثَلاَثَةَ أَيَّامٍ، فَإِنَّ بِكُلِّ حَسَنَةٍ عَشْرَ أَمْثَالِهَا فَذَلِكَ الدَّهْرُ كُلُّهُ ”. قَالَ فَشَدَّدْتُ فَشُدِّدَ عَلَىَّ فَقُلْتُ فَإِنِّي أُطِيقُ غَيْرَ ذَلِكَ. قَالَ ” فَصُمْ مِنْ كُلِّ جُمُعَةٍ ثَلاَثَةَ أَيَّامٍ ”. قَالَ فَشَدَّدْتُ فَشُدِّدَ عَلَىَّ قُلْتُ أُطِيقُ غَيْرَ ذَلِكَ. قَالَ ” فَصُمْ صَوْمَ نَبِيِّ اللَّهِ دَاوُدَ ”. قُلْتُ وَمَا صَوْمُ نَبِيِّ اللَّهِ دَاوُدَ قَالَ ” نِصْفُ الدَّهْرِ(رواه البخاري: 1874)
Translation: Narrated `Abdullah bin `Amr: Allah’s Apostle entered upon me and said, “Have I not been informed that you offer prayer all the night and fast the whole day?” I said, “Yes.” He said, “Do not do so; Offer prayer at night and also sleep; Fast for a few days and give up fasting for a few days because your body has a right on you, and your eye has a right on you, and your guest has a right on you, and your wife has a right on you. I hope that you will have a long life, and it is sufficient for you to fast for three days a month as the reward of a good deed, is multiplied ten times, that means, as if you fasted the whole year.” I insisted (on fasting more) so I was given a hard instruction. I said, “I can do more than that (fasting)” The Prophet said, “Fast three days every week.” But as I insisted (on fasting more) so I was burdened. I said, “I can fast more than that.” The Prophet said, “Fast as Allah’s prophet David used to fast.” I said, “How was the fasting of the prophet David?” The Prophet said, “One half of a year (i.e. he used to fast on alternate days). (Bukhari:1874)
Male sexual dominance and gratification is the character of animals and is contrary to the sunnah of the beloved prophet sallallahu alayhi wasallam. Consider the following hadith:
لا يَقَعَنَّ أحدُكم على امرأتِه كما تَقَعُ البَهيمةُ وليكنْ بينهما رسولٌ قيل : وما الرسولُ ؟ قال : القُبْلةُ والكَلامُ(رواه الديلمي)
Translation:None of you should come onto his wife like an animal. Rather, there should be between them a messenger. It was asked, “what is the messenger?” He replied, Kissing and words (Daylami)
A husband should not be selfish in the bedroom and should adopt self-control. He should not conduct himself like an animal in only fulfilling his carnal desires. True rajoolah (manlihood) is to fulfil his wife needs. A selfish married man in sexual gratification has been described as an animal by Rasulullah Sallallahu Alayhi Wasallam. A Muslim husband that is sensitive to the sunnah and advices of Rasulullah Sallallahu Alayhi Wasallam would surely not like that he be regarded as an animal by Rasulullah Sallallahu Alayhi Wasallam. Rather, he would ensure parallelism in intimacy.
Furthermore, sexual fulfilment is an act of sadaqah, as it saves a person from haram. If the husband gratifies his wife and saves her from searching for sexual gratification elsewhere and saves her from becoming the playground of shaytan due to non-fulfilment, he will be rewarded for maintaining her chastity. Consider the following hadith:
عَنْ أَبِي ذَرٍّ رَضِيَ اللهُ عَنْهُ أَيْضًا، “أَنَّ نَاسًا مِنْ أَصْحَابِ رَسُولِ اللَّهِ صلى الله عليه و سلم قَالُوا لِلنَّبِيِّ صلى الله عليه و سلم يَا رَسُولَ اللَّهِ ذَهَبَ أَهْلُ الدُّثُورِ بِالْأُجُورِ؛ يُصَلُّونَ كَمَا نُصَلِّي، وَيَصُومُونَ كَمَا نَصُومُ، وَيَتَصَدَّقُونَ بِفُضُولِ أَمْوَالِهِمْ. قَالَ: أَوَلَيْسَ قَدْ جَعَلَ اللَّهُ لَكُمْ مَا تَصَّدَّقُونَ؟ إنَّ بِكُلِّ تَسْبِيحَةٍ صَدَقَةً، وَكُلِّ تَكْبِيرَةٍ صَدَقَةً، وَكُلِّ تَحْمِيدَةٍ صَدَقَةً، وَكُلِّ تَهْلِيلَةٍ صَدَقَةً، وَأَمْرٌ بِمَعْرُوفٍ صَدَقَةٌ، وَنَهْيٌ عَنْ مُنْكَرٍ صَدَقَةٌ، وَفِي بُضْعِ أَحَدِكُمْ صَدَقَةٌ. قَالُوا: يَا رَسُولَ اللَّهِ أَيَأْتِي أَحَدُنَا شَهْوَتَهُ وَيَكُونُ لَهُ فِيهَا أَجْرٌ؟ قَالَ: أَرَأَيْتُمْ لَوْ وَضَعَهَا فِي حَرَامٍ أَكَانَ عَلَيْهِ وِزْرٌ؟ فَكَذَلِكَ إذَا وَضَعَهَا فِي الْحَلَالِ، كَانَ لَهُ أَجْرٌ
(رواه مسلم: 1006)
Translation: Some people from amongst the Companions of the Messenger of Allah (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) said to the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him), “O Messenger of Allah, the affluent have made off with the rewards; they pray as we pray, they fast as we fast, and they give [much] in charity by virtue of their wealth.” He (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) said, “Has not Allah made things for you to give in charity? Truly every tasbeehah [saying: ‘subhan-Allah’] is a charity, and every takbeerah [saying: ‘Allahu akbar’] is a charity, and every tahmeedah [saying: ‘al-hamdu lillah’] is a charity, and every tahleelah [saying: ‘laa ilaha illAllah’] is a charity. And commanding the good is a charity, and forbidding an evil is a charity, and in the bud`i [sexual act] of each one of you there is a charity.” They said, “O Messenger of Allah, when one of us fulfils his carnal desire will he have some reward for that?” He (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) said, “Do you not see that if he were to act upon it [his desire] in an unlawful manner then he would be deserving of punishment? Likewise, if he were to act upon it in a lawful manner then he will be deserving of a reward (Muslim: 1006)
In this era of technology and social media, where evil and immorality is so common, a responsible husband will ensure to fulfil his wife personally, rather than that woman being fulfilled through haram avenues for which he will be sinful. Accordingly, it is compulsory for a husband to fulfil the natural intimate and sexual rights of his wife. Failing to do so is a major sin. Moreover, it defeats the core purpose of the marriage being a means of attaining chastity.
We advise you obtain books of sexual etiquettes and encourage your husband to read.
Such as Islamic Guide to Sexual Relations by Mufti Muhammad Ibn Adam and A Gift to the Groom by Maulana Ashraf Ali Thanvi
You may also forward this email to him.
And Allah Ta’āla Knows Best
Mirza-Zain Ibn Ameer Baig
Student – Darul Iftaa
Montréal, Québec, Canada
Checked and Approved by,
Mufti Ebrahim Desai.
رد المحتار على الدر المختار لمحمد أمين ابن عابدين :دار الثقافة والتراث:8:9 [i]
(قَوْلُهُ وَيَسْقُطُ حَقُّهَا بِمَرَّةٍ) قَالَ فِي الْفَتْحِ: وَاعْلَمْ أَنَّ تَرْكَ جِمَاعِهَا مُطْلَقًا لَا يَحِلُّ لَهُ، صَرَّحَ أَصْحَابُنَا بِأَنَّ جِمَاعَهَا أَحْيَانًا وَاجِبٌ دِيَانَةً، لَكِنْ لَا يَدْخُلُ تَحْتَ الْقَضَاءِ وَالْإِلْزَامِ إلَّا الْوَطْأَةُ الْأُولَى وَلَمْ يُقَدِّرُوا فِيهِ مُدَّةً.
جديد فقهي مسائل:زمز:114
Islamic Guide To Sexual Relations: Huma Press: pg 12-22
موسوعة الفقهية كويتية:وزارة الأوقاف و الشتون الإسلامية: 44:35
للزوجة على زوجها حق إتيانها و قضاء وطرها دل على ذالك حديث عبد الله بن عمرو بن العاص رضي الله عنه