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Advice from an Ex Porn/Sex and Masturbation Addict

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Source: Tuhfatush Shabaab

 

I am a 25 year old male, a recovering addict to porn and masturbation.

It all started at about the age of eleven, when I accidentally discovered masturbation. Back then I did not understand what I was doing and did not realise that this was haraam (but I have to say that, even though I was young I had a feeling that this was wrong). Anyway I continued in this fashion for a year or two, and then I discovered porn. At first I was too embarrassed to simply walk into a shop and buy a magazine, so I would literally look in people’s garbage, in the hope of finding pornographic material. I remember staying awake late at night and turning on the TV once my parents slept, in order to watch late night TV which often showed porn. (I remember in shame the lengths I would go to conceal my secret, e.g. closing the door, but not completely so that I can hear approaching footsteps and hiding a pornographic video underneath a loose floorboard that was nearly discovered by my father).

It got so bad, and I felt so guilty, that one day, I was about 13 years old then, I took a brave step and confessed to my father, who was extremely supportive and gave me practical tips to my problem. It worked for a few months and my father thought he was successful, but unfortunately I relapsed and went back to my old ways.

I continued like this for a few years until about the age of 15/16 (throughout this time I always felt guilty and ashamed but continued any way), that was when the internet became main-stream. To me this was the start of a new level in watching porn, as it made it so easy, (no need for embarrassing walks in to an adult shop, and off course the ease of access and variety of porno content on the web). I started off by simply watching nude pics and downloading free video-clips (you see the porn barons are very much like drug dealers, you get your first joint for free, then you’re hooked and forced to go back to the dealer, but this time you have to pay to get the harder content). However, after about 2 years the free stuff simply was not enough, I needed more to quench my ever-increasing lustfulness. This was when I crossed another fence, using my credit card.

This continued until about the age of 20. This was when it really got out of control as I started to contemplate visiting prostitutes; you see watching porn alone was not enough. Again, it’s like drugs, you start with basic drugs and end up with the worst. Again the internet made it very easy to do this, as prostitutes advertise themselves on the web on certain specialist websites. At first, like the previous post I would only call these women, it kind of gave me a kick. I would justify it to myself by saying that,
‘it’s not haraam to talk, as long as I don’t actually act on my feelings’, but yes… you guessed it, I moved on to the next level and committed Zina. After the first experience which left me feeling very guilty, I decided to repent to Allah Ta’ala and stop watching porn, but once you have been addicted to something for so long it’s very easy to relapse. In fact, I started to visit prostitutes on a regular basis.

After a year or two, I decided that the only way to solve my problem was to get married. Unfortunately, marriage only helped for a few months, and then I relapsed once more. However, things changed exactly 1 year ago. As I’m sure you have realised, this beast of an addiction has been the story of my life, it has absolutely consumed me in every way, I have tried so many times to slay the beast, but every time I fail. Yet, something happened to me exactly one year ago that allows me to stand before this forum today, and announce that I have finally slayed this beast. In fact, today is my 1st year of victory. Like all other
addicts whenever I repented I knew at the back of my mind that this will not last. 1 year ago, when I repented I came to the realisation that I cannot have this thought at the back of my mind, as it made my repentance worthless.

I then sat down and brainstormed all the evil consequences of porn; I came up with the following:

1. The most important one off course is going to JAHANNAM.
2. Constantly feeling guilty and worthless.
3. Constantly feeling ashamed of myself, this led to poor self- esteem and lack of confidence.
4. Wasting my precious time. Time that can be spent learning new things or simply enjoying the company of my family.
5. Having to constantly lie to cover my tracks, and then to lie again to cover my previous lies, and so on.
6. Sexual contact with my wife became a chore rather than something to look forward to, as I simply was no longer excited by my wife.
7. The feeling of utter emptiness after masturbating, compared to the feeling of joy when hugging my wife.
8. The amount of money wasted: I can honestly say that in the space of about 10 years, I blew approximately fifteen thousand pounds (R250 000) on porn and prostitutes. This money could
have gone to the poor, it could have gone towards my house, it would have paid for about 10 holidays, or at least 4/5 visits to the holy city of Makkah Mukarramah.
9. The inability to do anything that would please Allah Ta’ala (such as read Qur-aan, or help a Muslim), as I always felt “what’s the point of doing a good deed, as I have committed so many disgusting sins.”
10. The utter humiliation I would feel had my wife found out, not to mention the enormous amount of pain I would cause her had she found out I was watching porn and even cheated on her’.

So, how did I stop? It’s a combination of everything really.

1. Constantly reminding myself of the 10 disadvantages outlined above (I have them stored on my organiser, and read them every day).
2. Reading Qur-aan, making dua every day and giving charity.
3. Never staying home alone if possible.
4. Performing my Salaah on time.
5. Going to my wife whenever I felt the desire.
6. Remembering how guilty, depressed and ashamed you feel after committing the sin of watching porn or masturbating.
7. A lot of you will probably agree with me that you watch porn when you are bored and have free time on hand. There is a verse in the Qur-aan about free time and how it should be used. I also recently heard a lecture in which the Imaam said that all evil comes from spare time, as this is when a human is
at his most vulnerable, you have nothing to do, nothing to pre- occupy your mind, so in order to fill this void, you commit a sin such as watching porn. The message here is always occupy your mind with something useful (read a book, visit relatives, play with your children, start a project or do anything as long as it is not haraam). Never remain idle when you have time on your hands as boredom can be your downfall, and lead you to the wrong path.

Apart from these 7 points, I have a few more tips that have worked for me.

1. 1 year ago, I took an oath to Allah Ta’ala that if I was to relapse I would fast for 120 days continuously.
2. Every day, I go in front of the mirror and I psyche myself up, screaming ‘NEVER’, ‘NEVER’, ‘NEVER’, over and over again, ( ‘NEVER’, as in I will ‘never’ go back to my old ways again).
3. I have a secret book that I purchased specifically for this purpose. I have marked all the dates of the year on it for the next couple of years. Next to every day I either have a tick which would represent a successful day, in other words a day I did not watch porn in, or I would have a cross, which would
represent failure. Alhamdulillah I now have 365 ticks, and not a single cross. I look at all these ticks every day, and it gives me a sense of achievement. I would not want to see a cross in this book, as it would symbolise a return to the old ways. Seeing that cross would seriously depress me, hence I avoid it at all cost.

I hope these tips will help. Please make dua for me as I want to continue on the right track. I know I can. I know I can. I know I can. Allah is on my side. Allah is on my side. Allah is on my side.

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