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The cycle of “War” within our homes


Adults must model the kind of behaviour and world that they want for their children.

It requires them to look at themselves in a very deep and responsible way and make changes that will help them not to pass on their own old injuries onto their children.


What the parents share are children. When parents continuously fight the house becomes a war zone. In this war zone the children’s lives are torn apart.

They live in a war in which they have no say, nor do they have any control over what happens to them.


They are left damaged, in pain, full of resentment, insecure, unloved and torn between two adults who are too busy trying to fulfil their own needs and greed.

Children have a right to feel wanted, secure and loved in their homes.

However, they are often used as fodder by the parents who are at war with each other.


Revenge sinks into the children’s hearts.

At a subconscious level, pain and revenge festers.

They know not how, or when they will vent and let go of this festering pain they carry.

They don’t know on whom they will erupt.

They don’t even know that their hearts fester with pain and feelings of revenge.


When all they ever see is adults waging war around them how will they ever know what peace looks like?

They grow up into adults.

How can they know about peace?

They did not learn about peace.

They are wounded but don’t know how to heal.


So they turn to self-destructive behaviours such as drug addiction, joining gangs, alcohol abuse, truanting, dropping out from school, getting into fights, abusing their spouses, rejecting authority and generally just being angry with the world.


They become adults who repeat the pattern of abuse.

Their revenge is often visited upon their spouses.

Thus the cycle of war continues from one generation to the next.

These are the cries of the wounded but who hears them?


Parents should be prepared to make a shift in their old ways of thinking and develop new perspectives of their strongly held views and positions which only lead to friction and storms.

They should be prepared to break down the fences that keep them apart and learn to deal with their differences and stressors in a positive way as they are role models for their children.

If they can’t resolve differences between themselves, they need professional help and they should be prepared to accept that help.


When children grow up and repeat the cycle of war, individuals and families are sometimes forced to resort to damage control.  Steering the ships off rocky shores becomes an emotionally, psychologically and financially expensive and draining exercise.


May Allah Ta’ala guide us to fulfil the rights our children have over us. They have a right to grow up in homes which support and promote their emotional, social, psychological, spiritual, physical, mental growth and wellbeing.


Rasulullah Sallallahu Alayhi wa Sallam has stated, “There is no gift a parent can give his child that is better than good manners.” (Musnad Ahmad)


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