Cii Radio| Yumnah Sarang

“It is not about the wedding, it is about the marriage”

Marriage is a lifelong relationship between two individuals that starts after the wedding and a wedding is a function celebrating the marriage of this couple. A “wedding” has no basis in shariah, it is the walima that holds great reward.

Every couple dreams of a perfect “wedding”, hence we find ourselves knee deep in preparation for this perfect day. But have we ever just stopped for a moment to think about preparing ourselves for marriage and how we going to make our marriage work. We should focus on the aspects of what will we do once the “wedding” is over, how we will sustain this marriage, what our rights are and what are the responsibilities that come along with marriage.

The sad reality is that no one focuses on the marriage aspect. The mindset that young couples entering a marriage is that there is always a way out. Hence we see a high rate of divorce. Before marriages was a long term thing, where you knew that compromises would follow and that you would have to work through situations that you are unpleased with. You would do anything to make this marriage work. In today’s society the unfortunate is that parent’s support their child’s mindset of there is a way out. Instead of giving advices and encouraging their kids to make the marriage work, they give the perspective bride and groom the option of always coming back opens up the doors to divorce.

Marriage would be successful if we spent time, money and energy preparing for this huge marriage commitment instead of focusing on a once off function. We should be preparing our hearts and minds for this marriage instead of only preparing the dress, meals, venue etc.

It’s time that guardians and potential marriage partners rethink the perception of marriage. The focus should be shifted from preparation to a specific day to the preparation of a lifetime.

Your “wedding day” is the least important day of your marriage. Your “wedding day” only lasts for one day and thereafter you need to have more substance to sustain this bond for a lifetime. Your “wedding” should of course be special but you realize that it is not the day that actually binds your marriage. The most important day of your marriage is going to be the most ordinary day in life, it would be day that either something good or bad might happen to you or your partner will be right there supporting and sharing it with you. It is very easy to be in love on a day that everyone is happy but true love is experienced when something bad happens. It is harder to be in love when you are not getting what you expected from your spouse. The most important day of your marriage will be the day that the first person you would want to share something with would be your spouse, the day you would sacrifice something for your spouse because that would make them happy and when you see the fruits of all these moments you will than realize the most important day within your marriage.

In order to drift your mindset from the wedding to the marriage you should:
Become aware of your rights and responsibilities
– Attend workshops
– Read relevant information on marriage
– Consult Ulema. (get advice on expectations, patients, tolerance and how will get through the challengers of marriage)

Go into this marriage with a positive frame of mind and a mindset of perseverance

Learn the skills of compromises and negotiating

Know that your wants are subject to possibilities
– It is no longer about you it is about the person you are with

Do not make your wedding a financial burden on your family and in laws
– Use that money as a start up for your own home etc.
– Do not be extravagant as Allah does not like those who are wasteful.