I hope you are well inshaAllah.
I recently got “engaged” and my wedding is slightly delayed to the current covid situation. The girl to whom I am engaged is righteous and I really get along with her in terms of our personalities and our plans for the future and our careers are quite similar alhamdulillah. This was also a match with no prior haram interaction and our meetings have mostly been formal. The single issue I find is I do not find her very attractive, only very little. At the time of the match, I was motivated by the other positive factors and so was happy to go forward with the match.
However, after the initial quick decision to say yes, I am starting to worry that her not being very attractive to me could be problematic in the future. I do my best to keep my gaze lowered however, I go to work and the societies in which we live do not allow you to keep your gaze completely pure despite your own effort. I am worried that if I go ahead with this match, then I may do an injustice to her. But on the other hand I am unsure if my reasoning is superficial and that once married, the fact that we click in other ways will be good enough to keep us both happy.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
May Allah bless you!
(Question posted as received)
As-salāmu ‘alaykum wa-rahmatullāhi wa-barakātuh.
Brother in Islam,
You state the girl is righteous. The two of you are also compatible in many ways. Your concern is she is not too attractive to you.
Brother, what amount of attraction will satisfy anyone. It is a well-known fact that one beauty supersedes another. If you get some one more attractive, there will be another woman more attractive than her. At which point will one stop his attraction to women.
The purpose of a boy and girl seeing each other for marriage purposes is also to ensure that there is nothing that will create resentment in each other. Rasullullah (Sallallahu Alaihi Wassalam) advised a Sahabi to see a woman prior to marriage and to see if she has no defect in her eye.
عَنْ أَبِي هُرَيْرَةَ، قَالَ: كُنْتُ عِنْدَ النَّبِيِّ صَلَّى اللهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّمَ، فَأَتَاهُ رَجُلٌ فَأَخْبَرَهُ أَنَّهُ تَزَوَّجَ امْرَأَةً مِنَ الْأَنْصَارِ، فَقَالَ لَهُ رَسُولُ اللهِ صَلَّى اللهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّمَ: أَنَظَرْتَ إِلَيْهَا؟، قَالَ: لَا، قَالَ: فَاذْهَبْ فَانْظُرْ إِلَيْهَا، فَإِنَّ فِي أَعْيُنِ الْأَنْصَارِ شَيْئًا (صحيح مسلم: 74)
Translation: Abu Huraira (Radhiyallahu Anhu) narrates that once I was in the company of Allah’s Messenger (Sallallahu Alaihi Wassalam) when there came a man and informed him that he had contracted to marry a woman of the Ansar. Thereupon Allah’s Messenger (Sallallahu Alaihi Wassalam) said: Did you cast a glance at her? He said: No. He said: Go and cast a glance at her, for there is something in the eyes of the Ansar. (Muslim: 74)
If the woman you saw does not have any defect in her and she is attractive to you to some extent, then if you made Istikharah and applied your mind on marrying her, then you should place your Tawakkul on Allah and proceed.
Marriage itself creates a bond of love. Furthermore, love begets love. There are many other qualities of a woman that are more important than her outward beauty. See the following Hadith:
عَنْ أَبِي هُرَيْرَةَ رَضِيَ اللَّهُ عَنْهُ، عَنِ النَّبِيِّ صَلَّى اللهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّمَ قَالَ: تُنْكَحُ المَرْأَةُ لِأَرْبَعٍ: لِمَالِهَا وَلِحَسَبِهَا وَجَمَالِهَا وَلِدِينِهَا، فَاظْفَرْ بِذَاتِ الدِّينِ، تَرِبَتْ يَدَاكَ (صحيح البخارى: 5090)
Translation: Abu Huraira (Radhiyallahu Anhu) narrates that Rasullullah (Sallallahu Alaihi Wassalam) said: A woman is married for four things, i.e., her wealth, her family status, her beauty and her religion. So, you should marry the religious woman (otherwise), May your hands be soiled. (Bukhari: 5090)
What would you do if you got a most attractive woman but is not righteous or not compatible? In a practical situation if life, the outward beauty will be insignificant.
And Allah Ta’āla Knows Best
Student Darul Iftaa
Checked and Approved by,
Mufti Ebrahim Desai.