Confessions of a Porn Addict- Part 2

Islam Today Mag

Part 2

Day by day I fight this battle within me, on one side my love for him tells me to help him and work something out, on the other side my anger overtakes me and I think of leaving…but how? What would I tell the Imam why I seek to leave my husband? A wife is a ‘covering’ (LIBAAS) of her husband, she hides her husband’s weaknesses and I did this for years, so how can I embarrass him now?

I want to help my husband, I want to see him successful not only here but in hereafter too. But how? I can’t keep nagging about the same subject every day. He already tells me not to act like his ‘mother’. That feeling of sorrow and guilt is not there in him anymore or at least I don’t see it. Sometimes, it takes more than reminders of Allah’s fear for a person to leave certain sins.
Sometimes a death of a loved one, some diseases, some catastrophe…Sometimes, by Allah, I want to get into a car accident just to ‘wake’ him up (and if I could guarantee that it would not lead to my death, I would have done it). When he is around us/family, I am fine. I don’t let my mind wander around but when he is working on the computer, I could only doubt and suspect him. I had read that pure people are for pure people. But my mind fails to understand…I had never even looked at another man with a lustful thought. I groomed myself to his demands. Although, I grew up in a very ‘modest’ way, I went out of my way to get over my ‘shyness’. I did everything to please him from dressing in a certain way at home, to making our intimate life more exciting…Those of you who blame it on a wife’s lack of interest in intimacy are completely wrong. My husband will testify to this. We are a happily married couple (other than this issue) including our intimate life…sometimes I wish I hadn’t done any of this, so at least I could ‘justify’ my husband’s action! I feel bad for my children. My sons idolize their father like anything but there comes days when I fail to see my children becoming good Muslims because I know a ‘father’s sins affect his children.’

Yet there are days when I want to give up on my own struggles of becoming a good Muslimah because I must not be ‘pure’ enough to be married to my husband. In my anger, I went a couple times on some ‘chat’ rooms just to chat dirty with someone…but I couldn’t do it…I swear by Allah I couldn’t even enter the chatroom, I felt disgusted inside me…but I fear that a day might come when I wouldn’t feel disgusted anymore…I know these are evil whispers of shaytaan, but what can I do. I came to know of a sin of his that is killing me inside. Perhaps if I see him increasing his good deeds in other ways to make up for this sin, I would stop feeling this way, but I don’t see that happening and I don’t know how to convince him into this. I have tried every way from talking to him, to requesting, to begging, to crying, to pleading but after all I am a wife and a wife can be everything but a ‘teacher’!

Those of you who read this and think that it is only a ‘personal’ problem, know that it is NOT because this sin effects the people around you. So change and do something about it, PLEASE do something about it…for Allah’s sake first and then for your beloved wife’s sake and for your beloved children’s sake….

Confessions of a Porn Addict FINAL
Steps that we’ve taken to cure this filthy addiction.
It is not shaytan — it is the nafs. Recognize this. I have done so many dua’s and ayahs of qu’ran that would repel even the most stubborn shaytan and would still feel an intense desire. I realized it is the nafs. Try this, read ayat Al-Kursi and see if it helps. If it does not, then you know it is your inner evil and not Shaitaan.
Give insane Charity. I mean a lot of charity. Base the value of your charity on the intensity of the act you committed. This is how I did it R100, R200, R500, R1000, R2000. The more I sinned the more I paid, I was going bankrupt man, but I felt that every time I kept sinning and not stopping I was making a bigger sin which needed a greater amount of sadaqa to hand out. I felt as if I was ransoming my soul to get rid of sin. GIVE SADAQA, it shows real sacrifice.

You have to completely quit cold-turkey, and never, never start again. Once you start, even just once, you will continue. I took this reality from a person I saw who was a big time smoker and quit. When offered, even though it was so tempting, he did not even take one cigarette. He knew once he takes that one puff he’s done for it. You have to make your intention to completely quit and NEVER start again. If you intend for a week or a month you will not make it. Only when you completely say (and literally have an out-loud conversation with your nafs) that you are stopping forever because:

Idle hands are the devil’s playground. Take on medium to long-term projects, they will help you get focused. Keeping busy is the best thing for a recovering addict because once you are bored and alone, you cannot stop yourself. Again, keep giving sadaqa. I tell you, this works.

So, how did I stop? It was a combination of everything, really.
The guilt of having to constantly lie to cover my tracks, and then to lie again to cover my previous lies, and so on. Sexual contact with my wife became a chore rather than something to look forward to, as I simply was no longer excited by my wife. The feeling of utter emptiness after masturbating, compared to the feeling of joy when hugging my wife in bed

The amount of money wasted: I can honestly say, that in the space of about 10 years could have gone to the poor, or could have gone towards paying off my house. The utter humiliation I would feel had my wife found out, not to mention the enormous amount of pain I would cause her had she found out I was watching porn and even cheated on her’.
Reading Quraan, making dua every day, and paying charity.
Never staying home alone if possible
Punctuality with Salaah
Going to my wife whenever I felt the desire.
Encouraging my wife to always dress provocatively when we are at home.
Remembering how guilty, depressed and ashamed I felt, after committing the sin of watching porn.
I hope these tips will help. Please make dua for me, as I want to continue on the right track. I know I can. I know I can. I know I can. Allah is on my side. Allah is on my side. Allah is on my side.