TRUE STORY TO LEARN SOME LESSONS FROM.
It’s happening to many brothers and sisters and can happen to you. Don’t waste your time with anyone till you are ready to marry. Read through the question and the advice given please.
Assalaamu Alaikum SHEIKH, I am currently in a very bad situation. I was with a girl for roughly around 2-3 years during school. We were so close, spending literally every day with each other. We broke up just before school finished, and it was like hell for me. I couldn’t sleep, eat or drink; I could not even think properly without my gut dropping inside and my lips quivering away.
It took me two years to get over her and get my self steady. Then last year, she came back into my life and now she has left me once again simply because she said she was unhappy. The thing is that I have come to the point where I cannot take it anymore; the constant heart ache, crying, and running around like a headless chicken.
I’ve poured my heart out in du’aa’ to Allah and I’m patient, but I just cannot function properly as it’s hurting inside. I planned to marry this girl. I believed when she said that she wouldn’t leave me again. I have been having the same symptoms now like previously. I’m in the first year of my university and this issue is affecting my studies and me as a person. I cannot stop thinking about her.
She wants nothing to do with me at all; she doesn’t even care of what I’m going through. I feel so lost and in constant, deep pain. I don’t know what to do. I knew we were in a haraam relationship, but I just couldn’t help myself. I really loved and cared about her. Could you please help me out? I need some support.
BISMILLAHIR RAHMAANIR RAHEEM.
It sounds like you are not even considering your relationship with Allah and you are fully into satisfying your heart desires but through the wrong means. If you claim to be Muslim then you are definitely not following the teachings of the prophet in living as a Muslim. As a young Muslim brother your priority should be to concentrate on your studies and prepare your life towards obedience to Allah till you are fully prepared for marriage then you start searching for your life partner.
This early dating process is not even permissible in Islam so it seems you got it wrong in your attempt to find a future wife.
To feel the things you are is normal and understandable, as long as you learn from this experience and start moving forward. Your life has more meaning than being in love with a girl or a boy. Having a wife is one component of your life not the defining one. You are still young in age and your heart is tender. When we are young, we feel that nothing is more important than “love.”
“And [yet], among the people are those who take other than Allah as equals [to Him]. They love them as they [should] love Allah. But those who believe are stronger in love for Allah.” (2:165). It’s obvious that you loved the girl than Allah that’s why you couldn’t bother to know you were openly disobeying Allah whilst with the girl.
I personally love this verse of the Qur’an as it teaches us that Allaah is not only the source of love but the only one truly worthy of love above all else. People will let us down brother, and that is why when we invest our whole souls into them, we are likely to suffer.
Allah, Most Loving, will never break our hearts and your current state is an opportunity to realize and practice this. We must first build a solid relationship with Allah then the rest will follow bcs HE is the only source to finding the right partner in life.
In your case, you are feeling a lot of pain for a few reasons: She was your first love. You were attached to one another for a few years wrongly. She came in and out of your life which made it harder to move on. You did things you shouldn’t have done as a Muslim, and you damaged your purity and spiritual heart.
The pain seems like it will last forever, but it won’t. It will get easier and there is much to learn from what you shared to me. Please take the following points of advice to help you get on with your life in the most balanced way in shaa Allah.
It is noble that you intended to marry her one day and Allah will help you marry whoever is best for you in this life and the next in shaa Allah. But right now you need to move on. Start taking these steps to get over your ex-girlfriend: don’t even consider marrying her anymore so that gradually you can forget about her and move on.
Make Tawba (repentance) for your mistakes. Do not repeat your previous mistakes. Forget and forgive yourself, but remember enough so that it does not happen again. Allah says HE does not change the condition of anyone till they change their life to His obedience. No one is perfect and it is not the end of world. Allah can still love you and provide for you a great life, trust in that.
Get busy with everything and anything. Keep your mind off her by not thinking about her and replaying over and over again what happened. You are the only one who will suffer. Move on with dignity. Remove anything in your life that reminds you of her. Delete her number, texts, emails, pictures, objects etc Out of sight, out of mind.
Stay social, be with friends and family who will remind you of Allah. They will offer you support and remind you of your good traits and increase your hope for a brighter future. Say No to intermixing with girls and purify your heart from any boy/girlfriend ship and study your deen to build your relationship with Allah.
Stay firm in your prayers and know that Allah sometimes removes things from our life for something better. Don’t let Satan make you feel despair and make you impatient and displeased. In all things there is good to be found and time will heal.
Take your time with the marriage process. When we are young, we think we know what we want and need, but often times we are mistaken. Trust that marriage will happen at the right time as long as you take the right efforts that follow the principles of your religion. Do not see these attempts as “failures” but as learning experiences. Maintain your positive outlook of yourself with more humility for growth. The realization that you can always use improvement throughout life is a powerful and attractive quality.
“He has succeeded who purifies it, And he has failed who instills it [with corruption]. “(Quran 91:9-10).
May Allah marry you to the best potential partner in the near future and make you an incredible husband and believer in the near future! Aameen. Who reads this should strive to apply to him/herself or share to close ones facing in Haraam relationship. May Allah protect us from any satanic influences. Aameen.